Employers also lose big-time when they don’t stop workplace bullies and harassers.  As we recently reported here,  attorney Stephen M. Paskoff notes that “uncivil, abusive treatment—whether legal or not—causes business risks that exceed the economic costs of employment claims.”  The more we can help make employers see the business benefits of stopping workplace harassment and bullying, the sooner it can stop. Some Workplaces Can Be Really Mean and Hostile

You have to be clueless not to know that it’s illegal to harass or discriminate against people at work on the basis of race, creed, sex, national origin or sexual orientation. Still, at some workplaces it’s considered okay horseplay to drape a rope over the neck of an African American.

At other workplaces, slander based on religion is common.  Many managers turn a blind eye while employees (sometimes other managers) debate the sexual habits of co-workers, or play grab-ass games where participants try to pull each others’ pants down.

You Can’t Stop Workplace Bullies and Harassers Without Saying No

Based on the maybe 1,000 employment law depositions I’ve seen as a employment paralegal or the hundreds of people I’ve interviewed about meaningful work over many years, many employees try a lot of ineffective tactics to stop the bullies and harassers:

• make a joke or laugh it off;
• think only positive thoughts and try to ignore it;
• focus on not letting the bully or harasser see how hurt they are;
• change the subject;
• act nicely in the hopes the bully will stop picking on them; and/or
• hope that any or all of the above will make the abuser get the message and change.

Such tactics may help some people remember their humanity. But when someone is really being abusive, the only thing harassers and bullies understand is “No!” followed by a clear, clean, simple description of just what is not acceptable.

To the Extent We Haven’t Grown Up, It’s Harder to Get Others to Act Like Grown-ups

When the workplace feels like middle school or high school, it can push those painful buttons of any childhood stuff we still haven’t overcome, like an overwhelming fear of being teased and judged by people who so obviously don’t care.

I’ll never forget Jane (assumed name), the only woman in a group of men who acted like prepubescent kids whose teacher had left the room. On the witness stand, she was confronted with how it appeared as if she condoned the bad behavior.  Under questioning, it became obvious that her coping strategy at work was pretty much the same one she had used in junior high: trying to be part of the gang, and not trusting anyone outside the gang to help her.

To Jane and anyone like her:  many of us have been there, done that and found it didn’t work.  It does help to face the old pain or misconceptions with the help of great allies and role models.  I can’t overstress good therapy, buddy sessions, or assertiveness training.

A Personal Experience of Stopping a Bully and Harasser

Years ago, a temporary boss never had time to give clear instructions and always had time to scream in great detail about what I did wrong.  He was so demeaning that sometimes I began to doubt my own intelligence and worth.

After much prayer and emotional venting outside of work, I told him, ” I am here to serve you and want to serve you well. To do that, I need to be really clear about what you want, and I can’t be clear when you give me your instructions in a hurry, like when you are late for a meeting.”

I imagined myself surrounded by wise, strong women who modeled confidence and self-respect. After a deep breath, I continued, “I know you also want me to do a good job.  Here’s what I need from you so I can do that.”  I then said I needed him to 1) make sure I was dis-engaged from the work I was already doing before giving new instructions (so I could pay attention to his new needs), and 2) take time to affirm that I understood his request.

The strategy worked miracles for a while, then I had to remind him again and he behaved better again. With practice, I became more confident and self-assured. Now that I’m an entrepreneur, it’s much easier to avoid clients from hell and draw more of the kind of clients I can serve joyously and well.

We Can’t Stop Bullies and Harassers On Our Own

“Why didn’t you complain?” employment lawyers inevitably ask in a deposition when people like Jane get so fed up they finally bring a legal case. “Because I didn’t know anyone I could trust not to retaliate against me,” is the most common answer.

Because the law is designed to protect you from abuse at work, you have more allies than you probably know.   The better informed you are about your rights and how to defend them, the better you can get help.

Here’s three of Steve Paskoff’s tips:

1. Go to your supervisor or HR, say, “I’ve got to talk to you,” and affirm your desire to do a good job.
2. Lay out the specific behaviors you confront at work.  Include details like the tone of voice in which people speak to you or their body language.
3. State  clearly and unemotionally how these specific behaviors affect your ability to do a good job.  Never forget that the better you can link your complaint to performance, the stronger your case is.

This post is just the beginning of what I hope will be a fruitful dialogue on how to create a more satisfying workplace for everyone. I’m looking forward to getting Paskoff’s book, Teaching Big Shots to Behave and Other HR Challenges. Until then, very best wishes,

Pat McHenry Sullivan

1. What hurts?
2. What would it look like to be whole again?
3. What would it take to be whole again?
4. What can I learn from this challenge?
5. What allies and resources are available?
6. How am I called to serve?

Turning Challenges into Opportunity Can Be a Powerful Exercise in Practical Spirituality

Questions 1, 2 and 3 clarify current reality. They help you generate a new vision and the creativity you need to make it real. Question 4 opens all your mental resources and anchors your power of intention. Questions 5 and 6 connect you to a source much greater than yourself.

A friend I’ll call Joe first thought his answer to question 1 was only, “I get a pounding headache at work.” After meditation on the question, he discovered, “My worst headaches come when I am working with a boss who reminds me of the worst aspects of my father.” Further reflection showed him exactly how his body tensed in response to stress. He also wondered if his habit of skipping lunch when he felt pressured for time might be part of the problem.

All this changed Joe’s original answer to question 2 from “I just want the headaches to go away,” to “I envision responding to stressful situations with an alert mind, pain-free body, and peaceful heart.”

Reflection on questions 3 and 4 inspired Joe to deal with his issues around his father, not project them onto the boss. At the same time, he knew he also had to practice better boundaries and personal caretaking.

Question 5 led to an intuitive flash: “Talk with my friend Betty (a nurse).” She taught Joe that whenever he skipped lunch, he depleted the amount of blood sugar his brain and body need to work well. Headaches are a common side effect of low blood sugar.

Soon Joe’s workday headaches were gone and the problems with the boss were eased. His performance improved, and so did his relationship with his boss.

Instead of going home from work exhausted or dulled by painkillers, he went home with a spring in his step and more time to be with his family. He eventually got a better job with a more appreciative boss.

Question 6 led Joe to the simple conclusion that by taking better care of himself and giving his best to any task, he was best able to work compassionately and purposefully. He used some of his increased time and energy for fun with friends and family and some for increased service to the community.

Every spiritual tradition is loaded with practical spiritual wisdom.

My all-time favorite wisdom teacher is Brother Lawrence, a 17th century Catholic monk who spoke of practicing the presence of God. Whether you are sweeping the floor, making an omelet or working with today’s high-tech equipment, do everything gratefully, as if it were for God. Bring your full self to the task, right here, right now.

I’m often stunned at how powerful this simple practice can be. Once my husband and I were helping his mother rake leaves. It seemed utterly natural to give thanks for the opportunity to be with this wonderful woman and pray for her continued health and safety while we worked.

Sometimes we laughed and joked; other times we were silent enough to hear leaves being chased across the pavement by our brooms. This is the kind of joy that can be so easily missed when we treat tasks just as something to be done, not as an experience of service with the potential for joy. Just remembering the joy of that morning makes my heart sing again.

That joy led to three more questions:

1. What joys do I now feel around work and money?
2. How can this joy benefit me and others?
3. How can I learn and grow by expanding the blessings in my life right now?

As always, many blessings, Pat McHenry Sullivan

This post was adapted from an article I wrote several years ago for my column on practical spirituality that ran for about a year on myprimetime.com.

You may never have taken formal, witnessed poverty vows as my husband John did at the age of 19 while he was in a Roman Catholic religious order, but it’s highly likely that you’ve taken some vows of poverty, intentional or otherwise.

Religious poverty vows are prayed over, even blessed. They aren’t a commitment to being homeless, starving or dressing in rags. They are a vow to simplicity, and an everyday willingness not to be attached to money or the things it could buy. The intent is to free members of any concerns about earning, saving or investing money (unless they are taking on financial roles on behalf of the community) so they are free to focus fully on spiritual life.

What a contrast religious vows are to the get-rich quick, greedy or otherwise definitely non-spiritual vows that drive so many novels, movies, and financial strategy! Often such vows lead to spiritual, emotional and/or financial impoverishment, as definitely was the case with many players in the subprime mortgage meltdown and other disasters.

My favorite example is Scarlett O’Hara, the self-centered heroine of Gone with the Wind, who during the Civil War became responsible for the survival of her family, home and even three former slaves, plus her rival and rival’s baby. After learning that the Yankees (or as they say where I grew up, damnyankees) have either destroyed or stolen anything edible except some dried-up turnips, Scarlet raises her fist in the air and pronounces, “As God is my witness, I will never go hungry again . . . not me or any of my kin.”

Now that could be a noble vow, but Scarlett adds the commitment to do whatever she deems necessary, including lie, cheat, steal or kill. Though she does become wealthy, she can’t really enjoy it due to the unintentional spiritual and emotional poverty vows which were a by-product of both conscious and unconscious faults like fear, greed, and spite.

Here’s how Scarlett’s unintentional poverty vows might be expressed: I insist on having what I think I want, no matter who is hurt in the process, including my own heart. I will base my business and spending decisions not just on sound business or financial information, but also on such desires as making others pea-green with envy; keeping myself from realizing how much I really love Rhett, not Ashley; and running from the fears that have caused nightmares since I was a child and a lot of grief ever since.

It’s not easy undoing poverty vows. Undoing poverty vows after years in a committed religious order may require years of learning how to make a living, and perhaps becoming totally re-trained. After all, there aren’t a whole lot of job descriptions calling for people who are adept at contemplation and fluent in Latin or Gregorian chant!

Undoing unintentional poverty vows can be even harder. Therapy and coaching can help uncover them; so can reflection on what’s not working around money in your life and considering, “What might I have been thinking when I developed this unfruitful way of dealing with money?”

Here are some unconscious poverty vows to consider:

• I vow not to learn about money and how to handle it well.
• I base my financial decisions on shame, fear, or ___________.
• I choose to base my financial and business planning on hopes and dreams that I have not carefully considered.
• I choose to trust blindly without giving my financial or business dealings the careful consideration I owe myself and others. (The legal term is “due diligence.”)

What about you? Do any of the above vows sound familiar?

And what’s your true abundance vow when you turn around your poverty vows, either conscious or unintentional, then look into your soul for guidance?

My favorite true abundance vow begins with gratitude for all the gifts I’ve gained from being married to a man who brought his financial challenges and gifts to our marriage. The challenges are nobody’s business but our own, but the gifts include these: Not once have I ever known John to act greedy or mean about money. Instead, his habit of simplicity helps pull me off my high horse and enjoy the moment more. He looks so carefully at any gift that in the process, I see more in the gift. His appreciation is so contagious that I seem to gain more in the giving than he gets in receiving it.

In creating a true abundance vow, I also had to deal with what I’ve learned from my own collection of often-contradictory unintentional poverty vows, like my childhood dreams of wowing everyone who had ever put me down with the huge emerald and flashy sports car I would someday have, mixed with a longtime habit of dreaming big, doing little. And then there are the usual suspects like shame or “I don’t really deserve it.”

Here’s my current true abundance vow. May it inspire you to create your own:

I vow to treat money as an exchange of energy that I use wisely, to the betterment of myself and others. I vow to live simply and richly, basing my financial decisions on a combination of in-the-world research, prayer, and a lot of careful discernment. In this journey of earning and using money more wisely, I give thanks for all the challenges and the beings on this earth who have helped me learn from them.

As always, I hope you enjoy this challenge.

Come back real soon with your thoughts and inspiration,
Pat McHenry Sullivan